I spent the greater part of my adolescence trying to feel at home in this patriarchal society. For my continued efforts, I was labeled a “tomboy” and was burdened with feelings of un-femininity and a gender dissonance which was gapped only after I became a mother. Looking into my children’s faces, I am inundated with feelings of love and compassion. I have been a vessel to the miracle of life and I recognize that one of my greatest responsibilities in this existence will be to care for and protect my children. The singular experience of becoming a mother is one which has brought forth a bond to my own femininity. I have been given a gift that no man can ever know. The patriarchal world I live in, however, still views me as something of an oddity, maybe even a threat to its rigid confines and definitions of mothering and family where it allows such travesties as public schools and day care facilities to rule.
“It seems to me that the moment I had my babies, society tied my hands and feet, stuffed a sock in my mouth and forced me to sit helplessly by while it systematically tortured and brainwashed and poisoned my children. Men have reduced mothering to feeding, clothing and comforting and suffering…(Seelhoff, 2006)"
Those are commanding words which seem to bore into my soul; I could not express it better myself. I do not want my children to grow up like I did, constantly worrying about fitting in, doubting their identity, and struggling with the notions of a male supremacist culture that I do not agree with. I want them to be able to embrace their differences as well as those of others. Life, to me, is about tolerance, curiosity, and upholding the innocence of childhood. In Join Us! The Motherhood Revolution, Seelhoff writes about choosing, as a woman and mother, to spurn this patriarchal society in favor of reshaping the world into a healthful one, to see fit that every child is encouraged to simply be themselves.
Seelhoff describes how she left her career in favor of coming home to her children where she embarks on a radically different journey of motherhood which she dubs “revolutionary feminism”. She builds a life and home on her journey, centered on stereotypically feminine values like love and compassion as well as social consciousness and respect for all beings. Seelhoff describes how she achieved this through “unschooling” which is a term from the late 1970’s used to describe learning techniques centered on a child’s interests and needs rather than society’s ideas about what is important to learn. Three other moms and I use a similar technique to teach our children which is called Joy School. Each mom takes a turn being a teacher for a week and school sessions are conducted at each home. The children are led through various activities such as singing, cooking, arts and crafts, etc and encouraged to explore what they find uniquely interesting. They thrive under this environment where they are given a level of freedom and control which allows them to appreciate their individual curiosity, devoid of scheduling and time constraints.
There are six subdivisions to the motherhood revolution that Seelhoff outlines and this blog revolves around: education (the decision to “teach my own”), community (surround yourself with others that share your values and lifestyle), child care (using the community as a resource to help raise children), non hierarchical parenting (relying on “negotiating win/win solutions to conflicts” rather than rules), work (create a home business), and radical feminist separatism (create an intentional community around “women, women’s concerns, women’s politics, woman-owned businesses and organizations). In my personal path through life, I have included the majority of these subdivisions, intertwining with like-minded women along the way. Articles on this blog will be devoted to these categories, including one other: pregnancy and birth. I will begin with my own story, and in the future, will include stories of friends and family members.
My first child was delivered at a military hospital where I was assigned a midwife. Like all new mothers, I did not know exactly what to expect and was riddled with anxiety and self-doubt. The midwife gently explained the choices I would be faced with: should I have an epidural, do I need an IV drip, do I want to avoid a c-section unless absolutely necessary? Looking back, I realize that the midwife was instrumental in the beginning of my grassroots mothering. I chose not to receive antibiotics, epidurals, or any other pain reliever. I chose to sit upright, rather than lie down and ate, rather than fasted.
Oftentimes women enter a doctor’s office or a hospital and are immediately overwhelmed with the male supremacist’s view of child delivery. They are led to believe that choices lie with the health practitioner rather than with the woman. Pregnancy is treated as a sickness instead of a purely natural occurrence and women are left feeling somehow inferior to their doctor. I say we need to take back control of our bodies and make delivery a special occasion, as it should be.
In Special Delivery, Jeannie Taylor illustrates a future society, which looks back on ours today, as one that is barbaric in its treatment of expectant mothers. As I mentioned, I have always chosen to sit upright while giving birth to allow gravity to aid in delivery, but a conventional approach at a hospital is to have women lie down on their sides or backs. “That position was designed to benefit doctors, not women…It placed us at a great psychological disadvantage, too. It allowed medical staff to treat us as objects, paying attention only to the ‘business end’, as if we had no face, no heart, and no mind (Taylor, 2007)." Laboring mothers are given ice chips to suck on and told not to eat or drink prior to delivery. How can a woman possibly expect to endure such a physical experience as childbirth if she has no fuel for the energy required? In addition to this archaic approach, a plethora of superfluous drugs, antibiotics, and vaccines are given to both mother and newborn baby.
Personally, I have chosen to forgo the hospital and stay in the comfort and security of my home with a midwife to help with delivery. Since I am surrounded by women who have chosen a path in this world much as I have, I know many women who have had all or most of their children through home births. However, this is rare amongst our culture today and the majority of our patriarchal society would frighten women into believing this method to be unsafe. These scare tactics allow women to be mistreated by some of our most trusted members of society: doctors. I truly believe that one day, in the not too distant future, we will look back on these times and proclaim, as Taylor, "that we insisted on dignity. We did not let doctors push us into inductions or surgeries just to accommodate their schedules. Women who still used hospitals refused the wheelchair and the gown…to be starved, or to have their veins punctured with unnecessary IVs. Mothers refused to let doctors break their waters or insert electronic monitors in the baby’s scalp. When we pushed our babies into the world with our own fierce power, then we refused to let them out of our sight.”
My journey continues to evolve with each new woman I intersect along this path, from the women in my own community to the feminist revolution women like Jeannie Taylor and Cheryl Seelhoff, who continue to inspire me to fight for a better life. My dream is to help bring forth a culture that empowers women, regards “birth as an act of motherhood, not an act of medical science (Taylor)” and is woman-friendly, mother-friendly, and child-friendly. I have come a long way from the tough tomboy that would never have regarded herself as a feminist, and yet I proclaim loudly and proudly today: I AM a feminist. I believe in the equality and rights of ALL women, not from the outside looking in on a patriarchal society, but as equal participants. I feel incredibly fortunate that in my inner circle I am enveloped with both women and men alike whom are supportive of my endeavors. Looking around now at the men in my life, my husband of eight years and our two sons, I realize I have never felt more comfortable in my own skin as a woman. I remember the struggles I endured as a little girl and realize I am no longer fighting to make this world my home. Instead, I have made my home in this world.
References:
Seelhoff, C. (2006)
Join Us! The Motherhood Revolution. Off Our Backs. Vol. 36, Iss. 2; pp 27-31.
Taylor, J. (Summer 2007)
May, 2052. Special Delivery. Vol. 30, Iss. 2; pp 8-10.
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